A: Did you see the news? Conservatives in Iran sentenced another man to death for blasphemy.
B: Conservatives? Really?
A: That's what they are. Right-wingers. Everyone knows that.
B: You ever think that may be a mistaken way of looking at it?
A: Not really. It makes sense: they're taking their religious text very literally, which everyone knows is a conservative, right-wing habit.
B: Ah. So, Christians who believe in giving to the poor, who think that Jesus quite literally commanded charity, would be right-wingers? And greedy people, Christians who pursue wealth for wealth's sake, would be left-wingers?
A: Well, no. Care for the poor is obviously a left-wing, liberal concern.
B: Because caring for the poor, and an admonition against wealth for wealth's sake... that's not a literal reading of the Bible?
A: ...Well, maybe it is, but that's not the only standard. There's also a political dimension. Like believing in reproductive free
B: Butchering infants.
A: It's insulting to call it that.
B: Pity it's true.
A: Let's not get into that right now. Sexual freedom, questioning old taboos about sexual morality.. that's leftist, liberal. Progressive. It has nothing to do with the Bible.
B: I actually agree there.
A: Cute, because that's your way of saying gay love is...
B: Anal sex.
A: ...Whatever you want to call it, is un-biblical?
B: No, I have a different view in mind here.
A: Oh really?
B: So you'd agree that celebrating same-sex sexual acts is a liberal, progressive, left-wing position?
B: Premarital sex as well, of course.
A: Of course.
B: Adultery? Toleration of it, anyway?
A: I... well, not necessarily adultery. I mean, that's a violation of trust, and...
B: And a breaking of a taboo.
A: Maybe, if you want to split hairs, acceptance that sometimes people do wrong like that would...
B: No, not 'do wrong'. The conservative view is would be they're doing wrong. The progressive view challenges the conservative view, so adultery would be accepted. Even encouraged.
A: I know very few leftists who'd agree.
B: And I know very few conservatives who are up for stoning people to death for blasphemy.
B: Let's keep going. Celebrating bestiality.
B: Celebrating child molest...
A: NO. How DARE you try to...
B: Left-wing extremists, then?
B: I'm compromising. I'm saying that tolerance for child molestation, for bestiality... those are far left concerns.
A: They aren't left-wing at all!
B: They certainly challenge the prevailing, traditional morality.
A: It's sick!
B: So they said about abortion.
A: It's mental illness!
B: So was homosexuality, until the 1970s. The 1990s, in Europe.
A: That's different!
A: I... ...
B: Because a right-wing extremist is supposed to be someone with a child's severed head in one hand and a gun in his right, while a left-wing extremist is supposed to be someone who loves the poor so much that they sell their kidney just to give a little more to charity.
A: Stop making me sound so knee-jerk. I know people have political views that come in degrees.
B: Except your political enemies are supposed to have a monopoly on everything rotten, and your allies a monopoly on everything great. From there, it's just degrees. To be extremely right wing is equivalent to being extremely rotten. To be extremely left wing is equivalent to being extremely good. You're telling yourself you see things in degrees, but when your enemies can only be one of a million shades of black, and your allies all some shade of white, guess what? It's still black and white.